I've struggled my whole life with my weight, since I was a little child.
I grew up in a household where I was frequently told I had a big belly pooch but then fed McDonalds super-sized meals as a reward for going to hebrew school (the best part of hebrew school IMO) and that I should eat my fruit with lots of sugar for "healthy" dessert and that our family was genetically unable to do athletic things such as run, hike, ski, or play sports. Yes, my parents cooked real food like vegetables and healthy meats as well, but with the easy access to everything so unhealthy and no understanding what this was doing to my body, I just consisted primarily on carbs (i.e. for middle school I didn't eat breakfast and all I ate for lunch was a giant thing of cafeteria french fries) in between periods of not eating at all. No wonder I couldn't focus in school - but instead of let's look at diet or exercise strategy, pills (which I refused to take) seemed to be a better solution, according to doctors. Well, the only solution.
I believed that because while during the school year I barely moved in gym class and snail walked the mile run, in the summer I was on the swim team for about a month where my stamina was so bad I rarely placed any higher than dead last, and even though I trained almost daily for that by the time the season ended I was still so out of shape I hadn't caught up. I took dance class occasionally which I enjoyed but always felt more winded than everyone else, so over time I gave up and went back to more sedentary pursuits, like art and staring at walls. I blamed it on my genetics.
Over the years my body started to react very poorly to the lack of exercise and sugar. I didn't understand how health worked at all. I didn't have that excuse in my 20s. I finally understood that while people's bone structures do vary what makes us healthy is regular exercise, processed-food and low-sugar, medium fat diets. I was diagnosed with a disorder called PCOS which is in many ways pre-diabetes, which is what led me to figuring this all out. But when you've spent your life eating so much sugar and sitting on your ass, it's really hard to get into shape. You look at yourself in the mirror and see all the horrible things wrong with yourself, all the years of terribly low self esteem (for this and other reasons), and it's a battle every day to eat healthy. To not go back to those days of binging on an entire oreo container due to depression or anxiety or just because.
The funny thing is I love being active. While it's extremely hard for me, I'm so hyper that I love to move (especially now as an adult at a job where I have to stay still all day.) I enjoy dancing around to whatever music is on and always have. I can't say my dancing skills are good enough that anyone would or should want to watch me, but nonetheless I know dance gets my heart pumping. I even enjoy hikes (despite them being so hard for me) and one of the highlights of my life was hiking 8 miles through the Ein Gedi dessert with Birthright with a security guard and a giant gun right behind me to keep me up with the group. So at least I have that.
My real commitment now -- to you -- is to stop this on and off again health journey. To quit the yo-yo dieting, the moments of health followed by weeks of consisting on milkshakes and chocolate bars as I give up due to the slow progress. I know I need this, and I need this more than anything.
While so many things I want are selfish, being healthy is not selfish. (Maybe posting about it on facebook is selfish but whatever.) Being healthy makes me a better person overall. I feel better. I have more energy to be better. I can tell exactly what I ate that day and the day before by my energy and brain clarity. It's like when my plants aren't watered properly for a day and they looked wilted - when they finally get water they perk back up. I feel like so much of my life, my body, has felt wilted. I wonder if that is such a big part of this obesity epidemic we have in our country. When you're wilted you get stuck.
Actual weight doesn't matter that much, but I know for a medical fact I am overweight. Some of my friends look at me and say that's not possible, that clearly I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I can't be, you know, medically heavy. Well I am. I have 40lbs to lose before I'm healthy and at least 50 before my body is where it should be. I've gone up to 180lbs and, in a short period of time when I was biking everyday for 3 months and eating practically nothing after college, 118. I want to get 120 the healthy way this time. I'm just 5'3 so it should be do able. I want to be able to walk in a store and try on clothes and feel good about myself. I'm so freaking fortunate that I have a boyfriend who loves me for who I am, jiggles and all, but this is beyond wanting to look good for other people now. This is about being a better person. Being my best person. I'm not going to get there with other people criticizing me for how hard it is to run or hike or do anything healthy. I'll get there by having supportive people, by committing to you that I will not slip off the wagon, that every time I'm tempted to skip a class or just binge on some ungodly amount of crap I'll admit it to you all to see. I want to make this happen. I have to. I can't be the future parent I want to be without this. Now is the time. I'm ready.
No comments:
Post a Comment